The Conversation of His Life
by felixunderground
Summary: Xander needs someone to talk to and who better than a pushy, no holds barred, blunt yet sincere, and snarky ex girlfriend?
1. Chapter 1

**Title**: The Conversation of His Life

**Author**: felixunderground

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer:** I wish I owned the shows. (_felix looks around and waits) _Damn! Where's Anyanka when you need her? I'm a scorned man... oh... maybe I should get a sex change then...

**Setting:** Post season seven of Buffy and season 5 of Angel

**Summary**: Xander needs someone to talk to and who better than a pushy, no holds barred, blunt yet sincere, and snarky ex girlfriend?

* * *

His eyes opened with a jolt as he took a deep breath. He quickly glanced to his lower abdomen to not find the stab wound that had been there before he fell unconscious. He then raised his hands to his face to feel that he had both eyes intact. Confused, he finally took in his surroundings, only to find a landscape much more beautiful to the one he closed his remaining eye to. He gazed at the steep hills that reached the heavens that fenced in a huge lake that was the color of jade. A slightly thick haze of fog blanketed the whole area, but he could make out a small wood platform was placed in the middle of the lake. His gaze slowly made it back to the shore of the jade-tinted water to find a forest of Weeping Willow trees and as he let the cool fresh air fill his lungs, he wondered one question… 

"No, you're not dead, Xander."

That voice, he thought, he hadn't heard that voice in years. He turned to the lake and found the person that spoke to him standing on the water. Her almost bronze skin practically glowed in the fog, but it paled in comparison to the sparkling in her eyes as she stared at him. She was wearing a light green cloak that made her look peaceful, an unfamilar look for her. She smiled at him, and his breath was taken away by the sheer force behind it.

"Not yet anyway."

She added as she raised her hand to him and beckoned him to her, a place he was certain he could not go.

"I can't walk on water, Cordelia."

"Xander, just come here. We need to talk."

He slowly got up from the ground and began to dust off the dirt from his clothes and he hesitantly began to walk to the shore. He stopped at the edge of the water.

"Come on, Xander."

Her soft voice reeled him closer as if he were a sailor under the spell of a siren's song. He took one step and his foot went right through the water. His companion let out an impatient sigh.

"You're setting yourself up for failure. All you need is to believe that you can do it and it will come to pass."

He paused from making another step in the water, "Why are you talking like that?"

"This place you see here was created by my will. All worlds are governed by laws, man-made or not, and this little paradise is governed by the laws I've made. Now just take that one little baby step, dorkhead."

Cautiously, he raised his foot above the water and slowly began to descend on the water surface. When he foot did not pass through the water, Xander looked down in amazement as he began to walk towards his high school sweetheart.

"I can't believe this," Xander whispered, "this is so amazing."

"I know. Now follow me."

In silence, Xander followed Cordelia to the little platform at the lake's center.

"You're hair's long," Xander noticed absently, "Willow told me that when she saw you it was short."

Cordelia didn't answer him as she took a seat on the platform. She motioned for her ex boyfriend to do the same.

"I'm guessing it has to do with the rules here."

She smiled, "You catch on quick."

There was a couple of moments of silence before Xander spoke, "What's this all about, Cordelia? One moment I'm a one-eyed man bleeding from a severe knife wound and the next I wake up in paradise fully intact."

Cordelia's hazel eyes bored into him as she spoke, "If I hadn't stepped in Xander, you would meeting me under different circumstances."

"I would've died," Xander stated.

"There is still a possibility that you will, Xander," Cordelia saidly softly, "I'm just here to talk to you and then you will decide."

The man knitted his eyebrows, "Decide what exactly?"

"To whether let go of your pain or keep it because you feel the need to be punished. The events that occurred in your life up until the very moment you fell unconscious were unpleasant to say the least, but for some reason you've let them take over your life," Cordelia clarified. "After we talk about it, you decide what you want to do."

Xander stood up, "Well, you can save your breathe, Cordy. I would like to go back now."

"If you go back with unresolved issues plaging your mind, Xander, then you will go back to meet your death," Cordelia argued from her sitting position.

The man froze, "What?"

"You will go back into your unconscious body and die from a heart complication. You will not wake up to say goodbye to your "girls" or to Faith." Cordelia admitted sadly.

"A heart complication?"

Cordelia looked at the lake for a moment as she responded, "When that man injected you with the muscle relaxant, a tiny air bubble entered your blood stream. I stepped in time and put your body in a state of limbo, however, once you go back into your body, Xander, your heart rate will increase rapidly from shock, and that tiny air bubble will get into your heart and kill you."

Xander digested the news quickly before stating in disbelief, "Of all the things that could kill me: demons, guns, swords, and so on. It would be an air bubble?"

"None of us die like we expect to," Cordelia sadly absently as she continued to stare away from Xander, "I thought I would die from my visions, but instead I went out in my sleep."

The former Zeppo shuffled his feet as he said, "I didn't find out until a week ago. If I found out sooner, I would have been there for you."

"What? Sit beside my bed and hold my limp hand?" Cordelia replied with emotionless chuckle, "You would've grown tired of it just like the people that I considered my family."

"I wouldn't have given up on you, Cordelia," he stated with as much conviction as he could, "I would not have failed you."

Cordelia glanced at him, "Interesting word, Xander."

"What?"

"Failed," Cordelia clarified, "why the word failed?"

Xander looked at her face intently, but his mind went elsewhere as he attempted to figure out the answer to his ex girlfriend's question. He sighed before repsonding, "Because every other woman that I loved always slipped through my fingers. I wasn't going to lose you the way I did Buffy… the way I did Anya."

"What about Willow? I know you loved her." Cordelia inquired.

"I didn't lose her the way I did you, Cordy." Xander stared away from Cordelia, much in the way he did before, "I loved her… still love her. I just accepted what happened."

Cordelia waited so Xander could really mentally work out his feelings for Willow, for she was still one of the very important people in his life. After he gathered his thoughts on the redhead, he turned to the ex cheerleader and sat across from her once more.

"Why do you think you lost Buffy?" Cordelia asked, "she may have died… a couple times actually, but you have always been involved in her life."

"That's the thing. I'm involved in her life, not the other way around," Xander sighed once more, "She only became involved whenever it had something to do with her job."

"How so?"

Xander mock glared at her, "Since when did you become my shrink?"

"Since you brought yourself here, dorkhead," she quipped.

"I thought you brought me here."

"No, I don't have that kind of power, Xander. If I did, I would bring Jon Stewart or Mike Myers."

Xander raised his eyesbrows in response.

"What? I like people with a sense of humor."

"That's why you fell for funny man Xand," he joked.

Cordelia shook her head, "I actually fell for you other reasons."

"And they would be?"

"We'll get to that later, Xander," Cordelia smiled, "Right now we need to talk about Buffy and why you feel that she only cared about you when it suited her."

Xander rubbed his face as he groaned, "I can't really give any specific example, Cordy. It's just how I felt ever since I met her. Sure, she was the slayer and it was exciting to be involved in the life she never really wanted in the first place, but as time went on Buffy only gave people that were supernaturally involved the time of day."

"You were in involved though," Cordelia argued.

"I wasn't really," he countered, "Willow became a witch, her "big gun" while Giles was her watcher. Then there was the vampires in her life… hell, even Oz was a werewolf."

Cordelia stated softly, "You were just a mere human in her eyes. Someone that wasn't even a blip in the supernatural radar."

"She did defend me once against the Council, but I think is some way, she was really just defending her choice in keeping me around."

The ex-cheerleader looked thoughtful for a moment before she said, "Despite the fact you didn't want it… maybe Buffy was keeping you in the normal world. She saw some hope in salvaging one part of her group friends. She couldn't make Giles have a normal life, he was too engrossed in the lifestyle. Willow was too connected into magic to be pulled out, and rightfully so, she was destined to be a witch. You, however, were perfect. You were only in the supernatural world by association."

"You are right," Xander replied angrily, but it wasn't to directed to the woman sitting across from him, "I chose to be with them and Buffy had no right in undermining my decision. How could she possibly think that I was going to sit around and watch them risk their lives everyday and do nothing?"

"She wanted to protect you I guess."

"And I wanted to protect them, despite the fact I was seen as the weak link in our little group," the former Zeppo replied as he gazed at the forest resting on the shore.

Cordelia looked at her highschool sweetheart and saw the anger slowly ebb away. She smiled even though he wasn't looking, "Look at you now, Xander. Look how far you've come from that boy in Sunnydale that tried so hard to be somebody. You have a group of slayers that adore you and would do anything for you. They respect you as a leader, a title you were long overdue to have."

"It's a consolation prize for years of loneliness and inadequancy," he respondly softly.

Cordelia sighed, "Yeah, we've all been there at some point."

They were silent after that, both reflecting on their not-so-great moments in their lives.

Xander looked at Cordelia as he asked, "How long did you feel it?"

"What? Loneliness? Inferiority?" Cordelia inquired softly, "All my life actually."

"I never knew."

Cordelia smiled, that sad smile that darkened the colors of her hazel eyes, "No one did, Xander. Well, one person might have seen through the veneer of strength."

"Who?"

His former girlfriend turned her head to the side so she could discretly wipe a small tear away, but Xander saw. Cordelia looked back at him with a small smile, "A man you never had the chance to meet. A man that I never had the possibilty of being with."

Curious, Xander probbed, "What was his name?"

"This isn't about me, Xander. It's about you."

"Well, I think hell just froze over, Cordy."

She chuckled, "Which hell do you speak of? There are many you know."

Xander shrugged his shoulders with a smile gracing his lips, "All I guess."

Her eyes twinkled, "I didn't know I had that much power."

"You always did."

Cordelia smiled once more, "Xander, stop coming on to me we need to get down to some unearthing of your issues so you can go back to the woman you love. Remember her? A big bundle of sexual energy that uses a stake as her weapon like I do my cutting wit?"

"Faith."

"Yes, the girl that gave your virginity to. Full circle huh? It always went back to a slayer."

"I only fall for women that have strength and tell it to me like it is."

Cordelia smirked, "Did I spoil you in some way?"

The man looked her in the eye and said in a serious tone, "You were my first love. Of course you did."

The former seer looked shocked.

"What, Cordy? I know I screwed things up with you, but you were and are my first love. No one ever really compared to you," Xander continued upon seeing Cordelia's face.

He waited patiently for his ex-girlfriend to respond and after a moment, she did, "I always assumed it was Buffy or Willow. I just happened to be your first girlfriend."

"No," Xander replied, "I had a crush on Buffy. A serious unrequited heart-breaking crush on her."

"And Willow?" She inquired.

Xander turned his head away to look at the green lake, "Lust."

After a moment's silence, he heard Cordelia whisper, "Did you ever wonder what would've happened if we had stayed together, Xander? I often thought of it when I first moved to LA."

"All the time," Xander sighed, "but then I never would have been with Anya and I wouldn't do anything to change that."

"You know, I look at other worlds in my spare time and believe me, I have tons. In some of these worlds, we were together. We were married with kids, engaged, or simply in some passionate affair. I'll tell you one thing, we were always happy."

"Before I got together with Faith, I was going to go to LA to see you," Xander admitted, "but just when I bought the plane tickets, I get a call from Angel telling me you had died two years ago. Two years!"

Cordelia sighed, "Our groups lost touch over the years. The only time we talked was to exchange notes on the next apocalypse."

"But two years, Cordy?" Xander argued sadly, "it shouldn't have been that long."

"Angel was in a very dark place, Xander. He lost everyone that he held dear and it nearly broke him. I was surprised he even had the emotional strength to call you, knowing how you and your gang thought of him after his stint with Wolfram and Hart."

"He was working for evil."

Cordelia sighed again for what seemed like the millionth time, "He's a silly and naïve man. Which is surprising considering his past, but he always worked for a better world, despite how he had to get it that way. I should know, I opened his eyes to it."

"I'm not surprised by that, you are on hell of a woman, Cordy."

"Well, that was my job. That was my purpose in the grand scheme of things."

Xander was quiet for a moment, suddenly introspective, "What's mine then, Cordy? I've always felt like I had nothing to offer."

"You have many actually," Cordelia smiled sagely.

"Like what?"

She answered, "In the beginning, your job so to speak was to hold your group of friends together until the the battle with the First. You brought humor to a situation that certainly needed it."

"I don't get it."

Cordelia chuckled, "I figured."

Xander glared at her before the former May Queen clarified, "Without you, Xander, your group of friends in Sunnydale wouldn't be the people they are now. They wouldn't really see the point in saving the world if they viewed the world as a hopeless place. You gave them a humanizing influence and that gave them incentive to help the world and save it one person at a time."

"Is that my grand purpose?"

"No. You aren't meant to know that until you have passed on to this realm." Cordelia answered.

Xander pushed further, "Do you know it?"

"Of course I do, dorkhead. It's my job to know these things."

"And you're not going to tell me are you?" he probbed with a hopeful look in his eyes.

She let out her infamous 'Pfft' in response, "Of course not."

* * *

More to discuss? Up to you... and if I get enough love then maybe I could hop on the muse train for any ideas for this story. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Title**: The Conversation of His Life

**Author**: felixunderground

**Rating**: T

**Disclaimer:** I wish I owned the shows. (_felix looks around and waits) _Damn! Where's Anyanka when you need her? I'm a scorned man... oh... maybe I should get a sex change then...

**Setting:** Post season seven of Buffy and season 5 of Angel

**Summary**: Xander needs someone to talk to and who better than a pushy, no holds barred, blunt yet sincere, and snarky ex girlfriend?

* * *

She let out her infamous 'Pfft' in response, "Of course not."

He couldn't help it. As he gazed upon his first love, a sensation long foreign to his body bubbled to the surface, building deep in his gut and warming his heart with contentment. A slight clench in his diaphragm as a deep joyous laugh expelled from his lungs.

His companion quirked her head to the side and stared at him as if finally lost his mind, but it didn't stop his laughter. He was just so happy, being with Cordelia and seeing her one last time. Something he was denied years ago.

"I swear, you are a couple sandwiches short of a picnic, dorkhead."

He stood up abruptly and pulled his ex-girlfriend from her seating position as well. And before she could protest, he wrapped her up in a bear hug and proceeded to spin her around.

"God, I missed you!" He bellowed mirthfully before stopping and loosening his hold on the former cheerleader.

She raised her hands to smooth out her hair, "Missed you too."

He wiped a small tear from his eyes when he smile turned serious, "I always felt like I was missing something. I never quite figured out what it was, but it was after graduation… the morning you left."

"When we went to that diner across the street from the bus station," Cordelia responded, her hazel eyes sparkling, "We missed my bus because you were driving like my grandmother and we had an hour to kill until the next one arrived. You said that I had to have one last Sunnydale meal, but I knew even then that you were stalling."

"I was having trouble letting you go," Xander admitted softly.

A strong gust wind entered the valley filling the crevices of the forest of Weeping Willows. The sound of the trees being kissed by the wind caused Xander to close his eyes, relishing the melody of nature. Upon opening his eyes, he saw his friend like he had never had the opportunity to see her. Her soft chestnut hair blowing every which way the wind deigned it to go and it made her look like heaven. And the sunlight reflecting of the jade colored lake danced over her olive complexion as if the sun itself wanted to embrace and claim his first love as it's own. She smiled upon him, her beautiful lips pulling tight over her teeth as her smile grew with each second.

"I might not have shown it then, but I was feeling the same way," Hazel eyes briefly morphed into gold with the sunlight, "the other passengers were quite uncomfortable with me blubbering like a whale in the back of the bus."

"You should've have come back then," Xander argued quickly upon hearing Cordelia's last statement.

Her smiled softened slightly, "I couldn't."

"Why?"

"I had to go to LA."

"Why?" Xander pushed.

She sighed and turned away from him, "I couldn't stay in Sunnydale, Xander. As much as I would've like to… my pride prevented me from coming back. I would've always been 'Xander's girlfriend'. Buffy and the others would've never seen me as anything but that."

"Since when did you care what they thought?"

"Always did." Cordelia admitted in a whisper and before he had a chance to reply, Cordelia quickly pivoted to face him once more, "And I wanted to be worthy of your love."

Xander's mouth dropped to the floor. He stuttered, "W-what?"

"You asked me why I fell for you?" She waited for his nod and then continued, "You are what men should strive to be, Xander."

He saw her eyes watering slightly, as all her emotions began to leak out for the world around them to see. And despite the surge of awkwardness at being complimented so strongly, he made a move to comfort her, but she warded him off.

"No," She choked on her tears; "I need to get this out." Cordelia inhaled deeply a few times to gather her wits, "When we were together and not putting on a show for your friends… you made me feel cherished… like I was the only woman that you could see. You were so gentle… caring… and strong, but…" she sighed sadly, "but I felt unworthy of you. When you kissed Willow…" Her eyes flashed in brief anguish at the memory, "it just confirmed for me that I needed to prove myself to you… that I needed to be special in a way that you could appreciate."

"Cor, I-" Xander felt as if he swallowed his tongue, "I was so stupid then… because I didn't really see you. I mean **really **see you. I knew I loved you when I lost you and I… I…"

"Sssh," She pressed her finger to his lips to silence him, "I know… that's why I went to LA. I had a feeling the acting thing wasn't going to play out like I wanted… but I knew there was something in LA I had to do before I could come back to you." Removing her finger, she stepped away from his personal space, "Then I heard you got together with Anya… and from I heard from Willow… you two were serious." Cordelia looked away, "I tried falling in love with other people thinking I had lost you, but you were always in the back of my mind. So I tried even harder to make myself into someone you could be proud of. But everything I sacrificed pushed me even further away from you." Her voice broke then, "I tried and tried and tried… until I found out about the engagement… then I gave into the voices in my head."

"Voices?" Xander muttered weakly, Cordelia's emotional declamation sapping everything from his body and mind.

"I became a demon," Cordelia clarified, "so I could survive the visions, but I didn't know what kind of demon. I was still me for the most part… but there was something wrong because I felt things that I know I never would have felt or acted upon."

"What do you mean?"

"The demon wanted me to be with Angel." She stated, and ignoring the familiar look of jealousy Xander got whenever Angel was mentioned she continued, "or at least make it seem like I was. Well, I was kind of possessed by a fallen Power by the name of Jasmine and in order for her to have been born… I had to sleep with Angel's son."

"Son!" He exclaimed.

The former cheerleader waved him off, "Not important. So, she knew Connor would only sleep with me to get back at Angel and if everyone thought I loved him as Angel had loved me then…"

"I get it."

Cordelia exhaled loudly, "Thank God. Talking about it is **so **not my favorite thing."

They were both silent for the longest time, both dwelling in the past and the 'what ifs' that could've been. The air became thick with longing and what was now considered love lost. Neither wanted to believe it, but they both realized that in their world they were never meant to be together like the way they would've wanted.

"It's weird," Xander admitted, "even when I knew that you were dead… I always thought that we would be together someday… somehow."

"That's why you hold back with Faith." She stated. "Xander… what we had will never grow. I've died and you've moved on."

"But I still want to be with you."

"No," She retorted, "you're scared."

Clenching his jaw, Xander didn't respond.

"You're standing on the line with Faith. You know she loves you and you know you can love her, but you don't want to make that leap." Her eyes locked onto his when she asked, "What are you so afraid of?"

"Cor, I-"

"No arguments, Xander!" Cordelia yelled, "Tell me… what has got you so scared."

His face flushed red as he answered just as hotly, "Because I don't want to let her down!"

"Like you did with Anya… like you did with me…"

"Yes." He stared at his feet, suddenly aware of how vulnerable he was. He felt Cordelia move closer to him, but he was unwilling to look in her in the eye until her gentle touch on his chin forced him to.

"I have it on the highest authority that you won't, Xander." She smiled wistfully, "You're not the same person that kissed Willow when we were together… or the person that left Anya at the altar. You're **different**."

He couldn't help but stare at her lips, and given the close proximity to the now deceased woman, it was damn near impossible not to, "On whose authority?"

Smiling, she whispered, "Mine."

Suddenly, he felt a sharp pull in his body. It was a short but hard tug that was ripping him away from Cordelia's presence. He looked down at his body, confusion and panic filling his heart.

"You're almost ready." Cordelia's face was now blank, no emotion decorating her features, "You need to decide."

"I want to be with you," he immediately stated.

She chuckled and shook her head slightly, "That's not what you really want, Xander."

"Then why ask?"

"Trying to be nice, but I forgot who I was talking to." She laughed.

Another tug and it was getting stronger. Dread enveloped his body upon realizing this would be the last time he would ever see his ex-girlfriend, the very woman that snatched his heart and placed it in her Prada bag because it went with the outfit. And not thinking about his actions, he grabbed Cordelia's face and crushed his lips onto hers in a frenzied attempt to stay, even when he wanted to go.

She didn't pull away nor did she push him off. In fact, she eagerly returned his kiss with the same vigor because she knew just as he was realizing – it would be the last.

He reluctantly pulled away and Cordelia rested her forehead against his own. Their heavy breathing drowned out the quiet of the valley and it was all he could do not to latch onto the woman in his arms forever. He felt his body tear slightly and the feeling of fire burned deep within his gut.

"This is it, isn't it?" Wincing, Xander whispered through gritted teeth.

She nodded, "Our very own swan song, Xander."

"I don't want to leave you, but I don't want to leave Faith either."

"She needs you more… you need her more," Cordelia said softly, her eyes watering once more, "I'll be watching over you, dorkhead, considering I have nothing better to do with my time. I cross the line at watching you two have sex though."

He saw she was trying to make light of the situation and he figured he would do the same, "I thought you were into voyeurism?"

She laughed, and he desperately tried to get his ears to remember the sound. God, how he was going to miss her.

Cordelia gently touched his left bicep; "Bubble popped." Then she reached both of her hands to his eyes, "Close your eyes, Xander."

He did as he was told and suddenly, as if he was sucked into a vacuum cleaner, the sensation of her hands was gone. Her presence vanished. All he could feel was heat and the sweat cooling on his body. The quiet was gone and he knew even without opening his eyes that he was no longer in Cordelia's realm.

The pain in his heart subsided when he felt a strong power nearby; actually, it was a warm body curled against his own. Slowly, he opened his eyes to see his girlfriend slumbering next to him. There were bags under her eyes, and she looked haggard from what he assumed to be the effect of worrying over his state of well being. Gently, he nudged her and she sluggishly opened up her chocolate eyes. Upon seeing him, they widened considerably and before he could do anything, she pounced on him.

"You're alright!" Faith exclaimed happily.

Her dark tresses fanned over his face and he took the time to deeply inhale the scent of his lover. He pulled her close, hands resting on the small of her back and between her shoulder blades. With his slayer in his arms, he knew he had made the right choice even when he voiced a different one.

Faith's body started to shake as she finally released all the pent up emotion bottled up ever since Xander was injured, "I was so scared, baby. I thought… I would lose you."

"How long was I out?" He inquired softly as one of his hands ran over the woman's hair.

"Couple days," She mumbled, her voice thick with tears.

Xander tightened his embrace of Faith as he said soothingly, "I'm here now, Faith. I'll never leave you."

He held her as she proceeded to sob and waited patiently until she calmed down. "Faith, look at me."

She raised her head and obeyed his request. Her dark brown hair was like a curtain that secluded the two of them in their own private world. Her bloodshot eyes never wavered from his own as he licked his dry lips, "Faith, I… I love you."

Faith's grin nearly split her face in half before she leaned down to capture his lips onto her own. "I love you too."

'_Thank you, Cordelia.' _Xander thought as he become lost in the arms of his new love.

* * *

PS: I tried to think of other things to talk about but I can up blank, so I realized that Xander and Cordelia never really got closure so voila! Closure. It might've been a confusing read, but part me just wasn't into it. However,the other part was stubborn enough to get my lazy bones to type it. Grr... stupid productive half... 


End file.
